“O man, my shoes are
wet,” I thought to myself. The shoes I’ll be wearing all day! I kept walking. I was hiking near my home. It’s a beautiful hillside pasture with a
wooded area, just under 1 square mile, and open to the public.
At 7:45AM, not much of the public
was out walking the pathway through the tall, dew-soaked grass and copse at the
north end. With the morning fog not yet
burned off, the pasture possessed a numinous quality I badly needed. This year, 2019, I have had more
sleep-deprivation than at any point in my life.
What kept me up last night? Watching my beloved Detroit Lions lose to
the, grrrr, Packers in a game in which the refs did all they could to ensure a Green
Bay victory? Possibly, but, I don’t
think so. I’ve been a Lions’ fan for too
long. They always lose to Green Bay that
way.
So then, why could I not fall asleep
until 2AM? Why did I awake at 5AM?
A possible explanation is the
wrestling I’ve been doing with God for much of this year. The Almighty calls all of us to live as
disciples of Jesus. Part of my calling
dating back to 1990-1991 has been to serve as a lead pastor of a church. The arc of my career led to this calling and
I embraced it with joy and unbridled enthusiasm. Since 1997, I have been a pastor. My self-definition is encapsulated in five
words: Jesus follower, dad, husband, pastor.
My rounds of Jacob-like grappling
with the Lord this year have me right back at the same calling, I think.
I think God still wants to me be a
pastor. So where is all the stress
coming from?
Life
is different now than when I started, single, young, wide-eyed,
optimistic. I’m still optimistic. But I have 25 years of lumps under belt. That’s no condemnation of the churches I have
served. I love each one and still feel
incredibly tied to my current church and my previous one. But ministry, by its nature, beats the pastor
up. I am no exception. The lumps cast everything I love – my family,
the church, the Lions – in a more sober light.
And yes, I love God, and the lumps temper how I see God even as I
realize God is more amazing than I previously comprehended.
So, I am as called as I ever
was. I love God more than I ever did. I
love my family so much it hurts sometimes. I love the church and think about it
all the time. And worrying about these
things, the very best things in my life, literally keeps me up night. It’s not very inspiring for me, the pastor,
to admit such anxiety. Have I not read
Matthew 6:25-34? O, I have, trust
me. If I could control it, and force
myself to not worry, I would. But, I don’t
know the future. That unknown gets in my
head. I don’t know what else to
say. Points for vulnerability?
This morning, I got to the office
early and decided to walk and pray. I wasn’t
going to walk the pasture. Didn’t want to get my shoes wet! But then I passed a friend on the
sidewalk. He’s also a pastor and had
just come from that same pasture. He
told me how wonderful it was. I decided,
tired or not, I needed that.
So
I walked. And I met God in all His
glory. Well Ok, maybe not all His glory, but as much as He wanted
to give me. As much as I could
take. God did not give me any promises
for the future. God just let me know he
was with me. I don’t know any more than
I did before I started walking. I just
know I got to walk with God. As I
finished the loop, I looked down at my now drenched shoes. I thought, wet shoes, and I’m grateful to be here.
Here’s
the best part. God, who met me in that
field, that “thin space,”[i] is here with me as I sit
my desk. It’s 1 in the afternoon and I’m
tired. Come on man, 2AM-5AM? But, God is with me. That’s all I get. That’s enough.
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