I don’t know why I cannot sleep. More and more lately, I have found myself
awake at times when I ought to be sleeping, like now, 11:25PM. Last night, from 2-4AM, it was fitful, odd
dreams, waking every 20-30 minutes. I
have consumed a lot of coffee lately, but at other times in life, I have drunk
just as much and without the sleep problems.
Am I (at 44) getting older and processing caffeine differently? My 70-year-old father drinks coffee like
water and it seems to have no effect on him.
I don’t get it. I don’t know if
it is the coffee. I don’t know what it
is.
I know I am having real anticipation
regarding Easter. I have spent the last
year reading a lot of the writing of N.T. Wright, and in the process, I have
re-read many passages of scripture. I
think Wright is right (I had to!).
Christianity is not about ‘going to Heaven when we die.’ It is about declaring Jesus is Lord and
living in the Kingdom of God as made possible by Jesus’ coming. I don’t know if Wright would say it exactly
that way. I do think though that his
writings clearly determine the pivotal event to be Jesus’ bodily
resurrection. For Wright, and he
believes for the Apostle Paul, the resurrection has to be a bodily resuscitation,
one fully dead then fully alive in a risen body that cannot die again. And the resurrection of Jesus changes
everything.
We live differently because the future
(we followers of Jesus being resurrected) breaks into the now. Jesus has been raised so we can live as
raised people and we must, even though our resurrection is a future event. I have been thinking a lot about this, trying
to preach it, and I don’t understand it.
I do know this, though. All this pondering of resurrection, Jesus’,
and because of his my own, leads me to long for it. It also colors my mind in the days leading to
Easter. For me Easter is more of a New
Year’s celebration than January 1.
The dictionary reference website
defines the word ‘new’ in many ways including the following: “unfamiliar or
strange;” “occurring afresh;” “other than the former or old.” If these descriptions were tacked onto the
word life, they would describe resurrected life. It is not like the old and it is quite
strange. I fully believe in
resurrection, something I was not there to see and have not yet
understood. Increasingly, I understand
my own life in terms of resurrection.
And Easter is a time for me to rethink about what it means to live resurrected even though my own
future life is just that, in the future.
It’s almost like experimenting,
almost. I recall being engaged. My fiancé and I ate meals together. We cuddled on the couch together. There was hand holding and kissing. We did not go beyond that until our wedding
night, but beside being in love and thoroughly enjoying every second together,
we were practicing our future lives together.
We were anticipating our lives together.
Being engaged was almost like being married, almost.
Yet, it was nothing like being
married. After the wedding, when the
evening ended, I did not return to my apartment. We went to bed together. After the wedding, I did not wonder what life
with her would be like. I discovered
it. And what a time of discovery it has
been and continues to be.
I imagine that step from anticipating
life together to living it serves as small hint of anticipating life in the
resurrection and then living into it. Of
course my metaphor may be woefully off.
I can’t know until I die and am then raised. But I am so convinced that it will go that
way and that I and all who follow Jesus will be resurrected, that as I know
think toward Easter, I am full of excitement.
The excitement is not for all the
worship services. At our church, there
are three worships times we do not normally have and I am eager for each. I think they will be special and I am giving
my own effort to be at my best for each.
Anticipating these extra times, times when the people of the church seek
an extra special worship experience, probably is one reason I am struggling to
sleep. But it cannot be the only reason
because this is my 17th holy week as a senior pastor. It is always an adrenalin time for me, but
one I have been through before.
The anticipation is maybe a minor
cause for my insomnia, but only a minor cause.
The excitement of resurrection, I think, is a bigger matter for me. What will it be like? I don’t know.
Yet, I think it is the biggest news we have and I want to tell it. As a pastor, I preach weekly, so I have the
opportunity to tell it. How do you tell
something you think is more important than anything else and yet you don’t
understand it? How do you do that?
I don’t know.
It is 11:50PM. My kids will be up for school in about 6
hours. I am going to go and try to
sleep. Maybe God will give me Easter
dreams.
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